PSA: He's not a high value man if he doesn't have any damn VALUES.
You get the life and love by focusing on what you WANT, not what you DON’T want. So, let’s have a new conversation, shall we, ladies?
The word that many people are saying but not truly discussing is VALUE.
Instead of engaging in the never-ending gender wars, women and men can simply determine what their VALUES are and make decisions accordingly.
Like I said in my live video a few days ago, I used to engage in the same man vs. woman topics that are being discussed today 11 years ago. I realized that this was a fruitless activity, and that I would never receive the desires of my heart if I continued to expend so much energy focusing on the type of man, I didn't want instead of the one I DID want. I focused on values to clarify my vision for the future.
Once I determined what MY values were, I was able to align with a man that shared those values. Here are the values that I looked for in a man (who ultimately became my husband) that I could marry to establish and SUSTAIN a high value marriage:
KINDNESS: A common complaint that you will hear many men say is that women these days are too cold, rude, or masculine. What’s interesting about that, though, is that usually those same men that complain about this are unkind towards a kind woman. In other words, they WANT you to be soft hearted, but they don’t want to HONOR it. I wanted to be with someone who appreciated my soft-heartedness AND would never use my tenderness against me. I would encourage you ladies to prioritize this value for your own well-being. A heartless man will have you in “high value hell”.
FAMILY ORIENTED: I grew up in a world of broken homes and saw the impact of that on all the children as well as the mothers. Unfortunately, there were not any fathers around consistently for many years. I wanted someone who strongly believed in marriage before children, strongly believed in being an active father, and saw the value in being a husband and benevolent patriarch. I also wanted to be home with my babies and wanted to marry someone who understood the value in that. For you ladies that want to be mothers, please think about your future children when you choose a spouse. A loving, understanding man is wonderful to raise children with and you will have the blessing of being a joyful mother of children.
WISE COUNSEL: I personally believe that there’s no hell like marrying the one good guy in a group of scoundrels. You will constantly be worried about him doing the right thing when he is not around because he has a lot of negative peer pressure around him when he is fellowship in with other men. I made the decision to only date and eventually marry men who had other honorable men around him, and that was raised by a good man. I will say that I have been extraordinarily fortunate with this one. My father-in-law has done more for me in a decade then my entire family has in my whole life. My husband ‘s friends are all married fathers who truly enjoy family life. This is something else to take into careful consideration, ladies.
SELF AWARENESS/DISCIPLINE/DRIVE: In anything I do in life, I have always been a pretty disciplined and driven person. I apply this energy to every part of my life, from my role as a wife, a mother, a consultant, a daughter in law, a stay-at-home mom. I needed someone that could match that energy in a masculine, complimentary way. My husband and I both were business school graduates that had careers in the same industry and were able to look at the life we wanted to create for ourselves and our children, and we were both on the same page regarding family planning and child spacing as a result of our similar temperaments and values. This a lot of times is what people don’t discuss before walking down the aisle and these disparities eventually make the marriage unsustainable. This is the value that must be discussed extensively before signing that marriage license.
TRADITION/FAITH BASED: this one is certainly not for everyone, but was very important for me and my husband. Traditions are huge when you are cultivating a family, and so there has to be agreement on the traditions that you will follow, which often times includes faith. I am an active Catholic and when I was dating really desired to date a man who was Catholic and would want our children to be raised Catholic. I wanted traditional, but I had no idea the level of tradition I was signing up for in an Asian family. My husband did give me a heads up, but it’s one of those things that you don’t really understand until you’re living it. If you marry an Asian man, you are essentially marrying into a huge Asian family and you’ll be with them all the time. For a lot of women, that would be a no-go. This is why you also have to have this conversation to make sure you’re on the same page so that you will have a happy and manageable life. I would say it takes a lot of discipline to be married into this type of family, but the trade-off is that you come into a network of love and support for yourself and your children. So, this was another value that was very important to me.
I had undergone many years of personal development, diligence on understanding the heart and mind of a PRODUCTIVE man, and what I needed to do be complimentary to that type of man.
This is what I believe many of you ladies are also doing, but you just need to stay focused and not get sidetracked by discouraging people telling you what you can’t have.
Most of you will forget this post, but some of you are really ready to step into your new life will take this to heart. Sit down and think about your values. What do you want? Do you want traditional or would you like something that’s a bit more 21st-century? There are no wrong answers, just wrong approaches in my opinion. Think about what you truly want and go for it.
Hi there! I'm Nikki (aka Lady CRO), the creator and director of the Exceptional Woman School, where we work on cultivating the exceptional mindset that allows you to have TRUE confidence and the courage to create and sustain a great life.
The CRO stands for "Cultivating Relationships and Opportunities". I believe the cultivation of yourself, your relationship with others, and your life skills are what give you the ability to create a successful career, a happy and productive marriage, and joyful motherhood, if you so choose. That's what I focus on here.
I hope you enjoy the conversation, and that I'll see you in a class very soon!